The Good and The Bad
It’s been an emotional day. In a good way, I think. I’ve most definitely had some of what might be termed as “bad emotions”- the kind that aren’t helpful, the kind that like to wallow and fester and wreak havoc. They’re the nasty kind. The kind that like to linger and just don’t do a darn bit of good. These emotions make my face swollen red, my eyeballs puffy. They make me sit a lot and do nothing but fret. I’m fine experiencing those emotions because they’re a normal part of processing. But I hate when I get stuck there. I usually have to be quite conscious of my thoughts and notice where I’m at emotionally; or I need another distraction to get me un-stuck and out of a funk. But. Today was a day of good emotion. I moved out of the funk and let my emotion move me. The kind of transformative emotion that teaches and makes me feel things, the kind that moves you to a new paradigm; it produces good, even when life seems quite “bad.”
As I analyze my emotions, I realize that they have to come from somewhere, and currently that somewhere is from pain...a double mastectomy with immediate diep reconstruction has produced a ton of pain....
...the pain of my incisions, the pain from these darn drains suctioning out excess fluid, the pain in my lower back from not being able to stand up all the way, the pain of my skin stretching and pulling, the pain of losing my previous body and looking and my bruised battered “new” body, the pain of feeling numbness everywhere, the pain of missing my children, the pain from watching my husband ache because I ache. I’m feeling all the feels...And what’s crazy...I kind of chose this pain. Aside from the new mass that was growing and the urgency of my oncologist, I CHOSE this procedure and knew somewhat what I was walking in to. I walked into this horrific and beautiful pain.
The pain is present, right at the surface at almost every moment.. every sneeze and every breath and every turn. It’s sure been a doozy and controls much of my attitude, outlook and responses. But I see it and recognize where it’s coming from. I have an awareness that my pain is driving my every emotion at this point. And I think that’s important.
“Bad pain” just hurts and sucks and stings. It too, likes to wallow and fester and linger and wreak havoc and control everything....I hate when my pain gets stuck there and I can’t unstuck it....take a few Lortab though and a few antiinflammatories and walah! I controlled the pain!! It’s gone. But I think there is more to pain and emotion that I’m learning through this experience-
I’m learning how to accept and find the good in the pain. I think it’s good pain because it has helped me stretch and grow and admit my weaknesses.. More often than not, I’m trying to separate the instances of pain and bring them to the surface of when the good pain...the kind that leads to stretching and growth-needs to take over. It seems as though pain isn’t always a bad thing- even physical pain. Pain can be the reason that people can change, move forward, create new opportunity and mostly just learn. I’ve found that by just letting pain be present and come to know the pain and embrace it, no matter whats causing it- if you meet it and greet it, welcome it and hold on to it gently, it can be the biggest blessing.
Hold it for a while. Be with the pain. Understand the pains and feel all the feelings. Process through them and why they are there. But please, just don’t try to do it alone. If you try to meet the pain on your own and prove how “strong” and “capable” you are, you won’t survive. Yes, we are strong, we are smart, we are capable...but admitting we need help produces miracles! Being a nurse, I’ve tried to control a lot of this situation. But I truly have surrendered and given it all to God. Once I did that, the story became more clear and easier to understand and move through. M
My mom has always taught me “Its okay to bleed, just don’t bleed to death.” Daxton and I have had to stare fear and pain right in the face. There was no go around it or under it, we’ve had to go straight through it. But we had to invite God to be with us and admit that we were powerless over pain and fear. We have spent hours on our knees inviting Him to be with us and carry us because we know we are not strong enough on our own, no matter how hard we try. Of course we have tried very hard to control things and done our part. But we have definitely let Him know we trust Him and need Him. He is in charge, not us. And when we can admit that, find our faith and sincerely invite Him into our every day decisions-that’s really when miracles happen and faith triumphs over fear. That’s when things really make sense. I feel so known to God. I feel so taken care of and guided by God. He has been able to see the end from the beginning for my family and this grueling situation. He has been there to provide us so much comfort. So much peace.
We can actually learn to thank our pain, seeing the good it has done for us and the new place it has brought us to. I always thought it was odd when people share they are grateful for their challenges. I truly wouldn’t wish this upon anybody, but this pain has provided growth and miracles and fostered love and service, and those things are good, really good.
I never expected God to take this away from me, but he definitely has made the difficult more doable. He who knows how to succor. He who knows how to mourn with those that mourn.. He who knows way more than we do. It’s been a beautiful journey to invite Him into my life more and more- it changes everything!
Today:
Getting ready was a struggle, mostly showering. I have to use a shower chair, there’s no way I can stand long enough to finish up. After washing up and rinsing well, we dab the breast incisions, abdominal incision and 4 drain sites well with a separate towel. We add betadine to the drain areas, get dressed enough to barely call it getting dressed and we made it hobbling out the door by 8am to catch the shuttle. Don’t worry, the shuttle driver is the only human we have seen in days. We have been secluded at the Hope Lodge and only seen him and my surgeon at a small private hospital that is closing it’s doors soon. Masks, gloves and sanitizer accompanied us on this short outing.
I finished my last appointment at the Breast Center in New Orleans. They pulled 3 of my 4 drains and said I am healing well, although I’m mostly black and blue. I’m cleared to fly home tomorrow, a whole day early and I can hardly wait. Just in time for my baby’s 2nd birthday. What a blessing. I’ve never been so excited to get on a plane, even during a virus pandemic. I’m overcome with joy, relief and unexplainable gratitude. I have a lot of resting and recovering to do, but the worst is over and we were able to accomplish what we set out to do. Dr T said I was his last operative patient, as he has been regretfully calling patients to cancel their appointments due to coronavirus precautions. We all had tears in our eyes as we sensed what a miracle this was for me and my family to be the last ones to get this surgery for now. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for all the love and prayers, the Lord hears you and me.
Wash your hands a lot and then use them to pray. He will be with you through pain or uncertainty ahead. Now and everyday is the time to practice faith over fear and let God lead.
Alisa & Dax
mens hearts shall fail them
As I analyze my emotions, I realize that they have to come from somewhere, and currently that somewhere is from pain...a double mastectomy with immediate diep reconstruction has produced a ton of pain....
...the pain of my incisions, the pain from these darn drains suctioning out excess fluid, the pain in my lower back from not being able to stand up all the way, the pain of my skin stretching and pulling, the pain of losing my previous body and looking and my bruised battered “new” body, the pain of feeling numbness everywhere, the pain of missing my children, the pain from watching my husband ache because I ache. I’m feeling all the feels...And what’s crazy...I kind of chose this pain. Aside from the new mass that was growing and the urgency of my oncologist, I CHOSE this procedure and knew somewhat what I was walking in to. I walked into this horrific and beautiful pain.
The pain is present, right at the surface at almost every moment.. every sneeze and every breath and every turn. It’s sure been a doozy and controls much of my attitude, outlook and responses. But I see it and recognize where it’s coming from. I have an awareness that my pain is driving my every emotion at this point. And I think that’s important.
“Bad pain” just hurts and sucks and stings. It too, likes to wallow and fester and linger and wreak havoc and control everything....I hate when my pain gets stuck there and I can’t unstuck it....take a few Lortab though and a few antiinflammatories and walah! I controlled the pain!! It’s gone. But I think there is more to pain and emotion that I’m learning through this experience-
I’m learning how to accept and find the good in the pain. I think it’s good pain because it has helped me stretch and grow and admit my weaknesses.. More often than not, I’m trying to separate the instances of pain and bring them to the surface of when the good pain...the kind that leads to stretching and growth-needs to take over. It seems as though pain isn’t always a bad thing- even physical pain. Pain can be the reason that people can change, move forward, create new opportunity and mostly just learn. I’ve found that by just letting pain be present and come to know the pain and embrace it, no matter whats causing it- if you meet it and greet it, welcome it and hold on to it gently, it can be the biggest blessing.
Hold it for a while. Be with the pain. Understand the pains and feel all the feelings. Process through them and why they are there. But please, just don’t try to do it alone. If you try to meet the pain on your own and prove how “strong” and “capable” you are, you won’t survive. Yes, we are strong, we are smart, we are capable...but admitting we need help produces miracles! Being a nurse, I’ve tried to control a lot of this situation. But I truly have surrendered and given it all to God. Once I did that, the story became more clear and easier to understand and move through. M
My mom has always taught me “Its okay to bleed, just don’t bleed to death.” Daxton and I have had to stare fear and pain right in the face. There was no go around it or under it, we’ve had to go straight through it. But we had to invite God to be with us and admit that we were powerless over pain and fear. We have spent hours on our knees inviting Him to be with us and carry us because we know we are not strong enough on our own, no matter how hard we try. Of course we have tried very hard to control things and done our part. But we have definitely let Him know we trust Him and need Him. He is in charge, not us. And when we can admit that, find our faith and sincerely invite Him into our every day decisions-that’s really when miracles happen and faith triumphs over fear. That’s when things really make sense. I feel so known to God. I feel so taken care of and guided by God. He has been able to see the end from the beginning for my family and this grueling situation. He has been there to provide us so much comfort. So much peace.
We can actually learn to thank our pain, seeing the good it has done for us and the new place it has brought us to. I always thought it was odd when people share they are grateful for their challenges. I truly wouldn’t wish this upon anybody, but this pain has provided growth and miracles and fostered love and service, and those things are good, really good.
I never expected God to take this away from me, but he definitely has made the difficult more doable. He who knows how to succor. He who knows how to mourn with those that mourn.. He who knows way more than we do. It’s been a beautiful journey to invite Him into my life more and more- it changes everything!
Today:
Getting ready was a struggle, mostly showering. I have to use a shower chair, there’s no way I can stand long enough to finish up. After washing up and rinsing well, we dab the breast incisions, abdominal incision and 4 drain sites well with a separate towel. We add betadine to the drain areas, get dressed enough to barely call it getting dressed and we made it hobbling out the door by 8am to catch the shuttle. Don’t worry, the shuttle driver is the only human we have seen in days. We have been secluded at the Hope Lodge and only seen him and my surgeon at a small private hospital that is closing it’s doors soon. Masks, gloves and sanitizer accompanied us on this short outing.
I finished my last appointment at the Breast Center in New Orleans. They pulled 3 of my 4 drains and said I am healing well, although I’m mostly black and blue. I’m cleared to fly home tomorrow, a whole day early and I can hardly wait. Just in time for my baby’s 2nd birthday. What a blessing. I’ve never been so excited to get on a plane, even during a virus pandemic. I’m overcome with joy, relief and unexplainable gratitude. I have a lot of resting and recovering to do, but the worst is over and we were able to accomplish what we set out to do. Dr T said I was his last operative patient, as he has been regretfully calling patients to cancel their appointments due to coronavirus precautions. We all had tears in our eyes as we sensed what a miracle this was for me and my family to be the last ones to get this surgery for now. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for all the love and prayers, the Lord hears you and me.
Wash your hands a lot and then use them to pray. He will be with you through pain or uncertainty ahead. Now and everyday is the time to practice faith over fear and let God lead.
Alisa & Dax
mens hearts shall fail them
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