Update on my progress
Blogging has been quite therapeutic for me. Please forgive my dialogues though, as many of them have been quite long, intense and written while I’ve been medicated, lol. It’s true. I’m off all narcotics and much more aware of my emotions now. But I know I will look back on this time and be grateful for the raw material and perspective I have recorded. That being said, it’s more for me than for you (although, I do love and appreciate anyone who takes the time to read how I/we are doing on this wild journey).
Emotionally, I hadn’t processed much of anything until last week. I don’t think I could feel anything, I don’t think I had even cried one tear up to that point. But boy did I had quite the meltdown. I felt trapped in my body. I was frustrated with my inability to move about. I had several places that were not healing well, I was worried about necrosis and infection. I kept in touch every few days with the PA back in New Orleans. My back hurt all the time. The tenderness and swelling from the mastectomy excavation went clear under my armpits and all the way up to my collar bone. I’m numb everywhere. The black and blue colors were getting old to see with every gauze dressing change...would that ever heal? I hated the incessant buzzing of the leg compression devices I had to wear each night. I missed being able to snuggle my babies and my hubby. I couldn’t even lift Jamison in his high chair or zip up his jammies. Every time one of my kids was near me, I would panic! My stomach would do flips and drop, like the anticipated feeling of flying down a roller coaster. It was that same kind of nauseating flight-or-flight feeling because I was so afraid to get hurt! Every time I tried to stand straight, it felt like my abdominal incision was going to split. Walking hunched over killed my back. Trying to sleep in the shape of an L also killed my lower back (which reminds me, I need to document the story of my miraculous recliner at some point). I wanted to do much more for my babies birthday and Dax’s birthday. I tried and quickly failed, overdoing it and sending me right back to reality of just being slow and being okay with that. The days were long with yucky weather, socially deprived children, a burned out hubby and one sad momma. But remember how I was just happy to be home? My friend Amber who has this exact procedure 2 years ago from the same surgeons kept reminding me to get through the first 3 weeks of hell. Each day and each week would get better. I hoped she was right!
She was. Fast forward to today. I am 3 weeks postoperative. Some hours I feel like I’m doing amazing, like when I did Thai Chi and Brain Body Yoga with my sister over FaceTime, I was so happy to get moving. Or baking banana muffins while laying down intermittently in between bake times, but still accomplishing something! I can tell the tightness in my abdomen is easing up. I’m standing straighter and for longer than just 10 minutes at a time, which means my back pain is letting up too. I tried sweeping the kitchen floor and that went quite slowly. Im sleeping without a pillow under my legs! My wounds are healing much better now! My bruising is yellow and green instead of black and purple! I snuggle my family with a pillow on my lap. I *carefully* kicked a ball in the backyard with my kids! We walked around the block with no baby stroller as my support. My arm range of motion is better and I can safely reach the paper plates at shoulder level! I drove! Around the block!! I can wash and *sometimes* brush my own hair now (when I feel like it, of course). My last drain was pulled, it’s been great to be able to walk around without carrying, emptying, measuring and worrying about those darn tubes sticking out of my hips! (Daxton did a wonderful job, it’s a really gross, funny video if anyone wants to see it, only a nurse would ask that)! I’ll spare posting it here (you’re welcome).
Long story short, I feel like I’ve come a really long way in several big areas!! The worst worst worst part right now that almost takes the cake, is this darn nerve regeneration pain that I didn’t know was going to blossom so terribly out of nowhere! I feel a constant burning, sharp stabbing electrocution pain as these nerves try to figure out what in the *bleep* just happened! It’s the worst at night, radiating to my chest and all the way through to my armpits and waking me up at night. It feels on fire. Even the nerves that go to my esophagus are affected and sooo sensitive to hot and cold. Drinking water feels like drinking hot coals. I’ve come so far in so many areas, it’s hard to be taken back down by something such as this. I don’t know how long it will last. I’m really hoping not forever and that it’s just nerves trying to regenerate. I finally got on some nerve medication that seems to be taking the edge off and it should help a lot over the next few weeks.
I’m grateful for the ups and downs of this journey. It has made my family stronger and closer than ever to each other and to Heavenly Father. Here’s to another week of slaying dragons (or bears, or wolves as pictured below) and meeting each milestone as they come. Thank you for your continued love and prayers. We have felt them from near and far, God truly has supported us in our trials and helped us find the joy in the journey, even under quarantine! Oh and a 6.5 magnitude earthquake too that rumbled our whole house and sent us running outside! That was a trip!! The hardships don’t end, God doesn’t make them disappear. But He can make the difficult more doable if we ask Him and let Him, I’m most certain of that!
Favorites of this week: making prayer rocks, yoga, piano with Jens, movie night with popcorn and cookies, flying kites, dance parties, legos, and hunting exotic animals in the house! Can’t wait for general conference this weekend to feed my heart and soul! www.churchofjesuschrist.org
Emotionally, I hadn’t processed much of anything until last week. I don’t think I could feel anything, I don’t think I had even cried one tear up to that point. But boy did I had quite the meltdown. I felt trapped in my body. I was frustrated with my inability to move about. I had several places that were not healing well, I was worried about necrosis and infection. I kept in touch every few days with the PA back in New Orleans. My back hurt all the time. The tenderness and swelling from the mastectomy excavation went clear under my armpits and all the way up to my collar bone. I’m numb everywhere. The black and blue colors were getting old to see with every gauze dressing change...would that ever heal? I hated the incessant buzzing of the leg compression devices I had to wear each night. I missed being able to snuggle my babies and my hubby. I couldn’t even lift Jamison in his high chair or zip up his jammies. Every time one of my kids was near me, I would panic! My stomach would do flips and drop, like the anticipated feeling of flying down a roller coaster. It was that same kind of nauseating flight-or-flight feeling because I was so afraid to get hurt! Every time I tried to stand straight, it felt like my abdominal incision was going to split. Walking hunched over killed my back. Trying to sleep in the shape of an L also killed my lower back (which reminds me, I need to document the story of my miraculous recliner at some point). I wanted to do much more for my babies birthday and Dax’s birthday. I tried and quickly failed, overdoing it and sending me right back to reality of just being slow and being okay with that. The days were long with yucky weather, socially deprived children, a burned out hubby and one sad momma. But remember how I was just happy to be home? My friend Amber who has this exact procedure 2 years ago from the same surgeons kept reminding me to get through the first 3 weeks of hell. Each day and each week would get better. I hoped she was right!
She was. Fast forward to today. I am 3 weeks postoperative. Some hours I feel like I’m doing amazing, like when I did Thai Chi and Brain Body Yoga with my sister over FaceTime, I was so happy to get moving. Or baking banana muffins while laying down intermittently in between bake times, but still accomplishing something! I can tell the tightness in my abdomen is easing up. I’m standing straighter and for longer than just 10 minutes at a time, which means my back pain is letting up too. I tried sweeping the kitchen floor and that went quite slowly. Im sleeping without a pillow under my legs! My wounds are healing much better now! My bruising is yellow and green instead of black and purple! I snuggle my family with a pillow on my lap. I *carefully* kicked a ball in the backyard with my kids! We walked around the block with no baby stroller as my support. My arm range of motion is better and I can safely reach the paper plates at shoulder level! I drove! Around the block!! I can wash and *sometimes* brush my own hair now (when I feel like it, of course). My last drain was pulled, it’s been great to be able to walk around without carrying, emptying, measuring and worrying about those darn tubes sticking out of my hips! (Daxton did a wonderful job, it’s a really gross, funny video if anyone wants to see it, only a nurse would ask that)! I’ll spare posting it here (you’re welcome).
Long story short, I feel like I’ve come a really long way in several big areas!! The worst worst worst part right now that almost takes the cake, is this darn nerve regeneration pain that I didn’t know was going to blossom so terribly out of nowhere! I feel a constant burning, sharp stabbing electrocution pain as these nerves try to figure out what in the *bleep* just happened! It’s the worst at night, radiating to my chest and all the way through to my armpits and waking me up at night. It feels on fire. Even the nerves that go to my esophagus are affected and sooo sensitive to hot and cold. Drinking water feels like drinking hot coals. I’ve come so far in so many areas, it’s hard to be taken back down by something such as this. I don’t know how long it will last. I’m really hoping not forever and that it’s just nerves trying to regenerate. I finally got on some nerve medication that seems to be taking the edge off and it should help a lot over the next few weeks.
I’m grateful for the ups and downs of this journey. It has made my family stronger and closer than ever to each other and to Heavenly Father. Here’s to another week of slaying dragons (or bears, or wolves as pictured below) and meeting each milestone as they come. Thank you for your continued love and prayers. We have felt them from near and far, God truly has supported us in our trials and helped us find the joy in the journey, even under quarantine! Oh and a 6.5 magnitude earthquake too that rumbled our whole house and sent us running outside! That was a trip!! The hardships don’t end, God doesn’t make them disappear. But He can make the difficult more doable if we ask Him and let Him, I’m most certain of that!
Favorites of this week: making prayer rocks, yoga, piano with Jens, movie night with popcorn and cookies, flying kites, dance parties, legos, and hunting exotic animals in the house! Can’t wait for general conference this weekend to feed my heart and soul! www.churchofjesuschrist.org
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